Make like a tree and say ‘no’ without causing conflict

What’s the hardest word to say? I think it’s ‘no’. We want to be seen as helpful to others and kind, and we worry saying that word will create conflict.

In my 20 years of training of negotiation and conflict skills, I have learnt no one likes conflict. Some say they do. They don’t (unless they are just very odd). Conflict is hard, so creating new conflicts is avoided. The Thomas-Kilmann model shows us there are five behaviours in conflict, and we’ll default to one based on our nature and nurture: collaborating, competing, avoiding, accommodating, and compromising. There is no right and wrong here. The trick is knowing which behaviour you tend to use and adapting when the situation requires it.

The University of California talks about the Say No Tree model on its website, and I have been using it for over 20 years. It has helped me to help thousands of learners when they negotiate and also in time management. The challenge of time management is not to find more of it, but to choose what you do with it. The biggest challenge of all is to say no to the things that do not achieve your objectives. Easy to say, hard to do. I get that. The tree will help.

Imagine a big old oak tree. Majestic and triumphant in its size. This is you: the roots represent your deeply held values. Your firm ‘no’ is the tree’s trunk, rooted in your beliefs. And above that, the tree’s branches are the many possible ‘yeses’ – or alternative solutions that you can propose.

Let’s say you promised your partner you’d get home earlier one night a week. This means you need to say ‘no’ to some extra work: rather than do a task badly, you’d rather not to do it at all.

Here’s where we come to the branches. These represent options and they are many. Instead of flatly saying no to the extra work, offer options. For example: “Perhaps I could ask Rob to do this today. Or maybe do this for you on Monday next week. Or I can do it, but I’ll need to pause the project I’m currently working on.”

The important part is that you are not saying no to the person, which can cause conflict. Instead you sound helpful. Using the tree makes it much harder for a boss to fight and say ‘JFDI’, or for a colleague to flight and speak badly of you to others. You are saying yes with your options.