Yesterday afternoon, I had a wee in the Queen’s garden.

Actually, I had a wee in a portable loo (the nicest portable loo I have ever been in, by the way) in the Queen’s garden – and only mention this in order to get your attention.

Having done so, I’ll explain that I was attending the Coronation Festival in the gardens of Buckingham Palace, where for four days 200 Royal Warrant Holders exhibited “their products, services and skills”.

And, to be brutally honest, I wasn’t royally impressed.

Take my criticism with the caveat that I spend a fair bit of my time at trade shows and that this may have coloured my judgement, but what had been set up in the gardens of Buckingham Palace was essentially a trade show. One that members of the public had been charged 30 quid to visit.

It was a very picturesque one (even more so than the gardens of delight that are the ExCel centre or NEC) and, unlike most trade shows, didn’t attract any of those sociopaths who drag trolleys behind them in the hope that they will break someone’s neck. But it was, essentially, a large space filled with stands and cubicles where suppliers touted for business and sold their wares.

My big objection is that, if you are charging punters £30, they should get something for their money besides the chance to be sold to. There was entertainment laid on, and it was excellent, but I feel that’s beside the point when almost everything else had to be paid for.

While some stands were more generous than others, the availability of free samples was poor – and a missed opportunity for suppliers surrounded by what seemed to be a pretty well-to-do crowd (I heard one family discussing, quite seriously, what Bentley they would be buying when ‘daddy’ retired).

The layout of the event could also have been improved. Despite having vast amounts of space around them, the marquees containing the stands were small, and by mid-afternoon a corgi would have had trouble squeezing its way onto one of the food & drink stands.

If I had paid to get in (come on, I’m a journalist), I would have left the gardens disappointed and, on a scorching hot day when a glass of Pimm’s would set you back a fiver, quite a bit poorer. There was free water available – if you didn’t mind risking heat stroke queuing to get it.

I’d be interested to hear what other visitors thought – especially from those out there who don’t spend much time at trade shows – though another member of The Grocer staff who attended the event has echoed my views. That said, I didn’t hear any complaints from the crowds at the event itself.

I’ll end this with another story of how I’ve been acting above my station recently. Last Thursday I went to the most middle-class concert I have ever attended: Paul Weller, in Kew Gardens, sponsored by John Lewis. The bread sticks outnumbered the beer cans about 50 to one.

I had a wee there, too.

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