Gary Lineker does not have sex. And that’s that, OK?

Despite the fact that he recently married a lingerie model, you just can’t picture his virginal face twisted in sexual passion. And shame on you for wanting to.

That’s because the football legend, who famously never got booked, is on the same pedestal as Thora Hird and Bob Holness in the pantheon of modern English saints.

So Gary’s new crisp-peddling antics for Walkers Baked as a naked muscleman on a bus full of equally exposed but much sexier commuters are troubling, even though it’s mostly filmed in proper-classy-like black and white.

Some things just don’t belong on TV, although it does convey that ‘70% less fat’ message pretty compellingly. First we had a slinky Fern Britton in a CGI swimsuit. And now this. The worrying endgame is inevitably a ‘Johnny Vegas colonoscopy’ ad for All-Bran.

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