Boris Johnson turns to Pat for essential government supplies

Despite the success of my little pop-up store at the Tory conference last week I have decided not to repeat the experiment for the SNP. This is partly because in the rollout of any new strategy it is important to proceed cautiously and thoroughly evaluate each tactical step, but mostly because there’s no money in it.

The last straw for me was Scotland being kicked out of the World Cup by Eastern Silesia or somewhere, a result which apparently took some people by surprise. Ever the far-sighted one, your Pat was quickly able to exercise a sell option on three container-loads of ‘Gordy’s MacArmy Russia 2018’ merchandise that Nisa’s famously sure-footed management was freighting out to its hapless members. (Note to self: Organise catering for Plucky England’s First-Round Exit bash at Heathrow on June 29, sponsored by Pat’s Mart.)

So I’m back in dear old Westminster, where first in this morning was Mr Johnson wanting to buy some tuck and plastic dog poo for super japes back in Big School. He was rather put out when I made him pay for his lemon sherbets in cash, but something tells me Mrs May won’t be settling his account all that much longer.

Then Pavlina rolled in hopelessly late (6.03am) brandishing another report from the fearless BRC that says 6% of workers in retail are from the EU and wouldn’t it be a shame if they all just disappeared? She reckons that the figure for Pat’s Mart is exactly 50% and therefore how about some cash so she can afford the bus fare (two stops) to the Home Office and beg the amiable Mrs Rudd to let her and her extended family stay?

So I mentioned Mrs Sturgeon wants to pay EU citizens to stay on - in Scotland. Pavlina quickly quietened down and got on with the mopping.