Bribery takes many forms. Ask the pretty young PR exec what she’s doing as she gazes adoringly into the eyes of the sweaty old marketing director in a night club at 2am and she’ll say something like “fostering agency client relations”.

Or more likely “fosherring hageny cli can I go home now pleash?” Dear reader, I was that girl. But I certainly didn’t marry him. A quick cuddle was enough to get the monthly operations budget up to £750. I’ll leave the larger fee increases to Karoline (with a K).

We lower orders can still only dream of the £37k ‘basic necessities’ lifestyle championed by the Fruit Gum Trust this week. Miranda calls it Sugar Puff living (where you’re so flush that there’s always a packet of Sugar Puffs in the cupboard in case anyone wants some) and we call it extravagance beyond measure.

Still, who needs money when Aldi is knocking out 57p a portion meals. Just the sort of thing to be washed down with a glass of thin English rain-soured wine. We’ve been promoting this muck for years at P&F (English and surprisingly delicious - savour a glass today!) going on about the similar terroir to Champagne and conveniently overlooking the fact that none of our 163 vineyards (yes, almost a third as many as, er, Canada) makes anything worth putting on your Asda credit card.

Incidentally, last time I went in to an Asda (the only time in fact, on a Tuesday in April 2009 - I hadn’t been well) they looked particularly sniffily at my Coutts Card (ad line: “If you have to ask the interest rate, you can’t afford to use it”).

Still, an Asda card will clearly speak volumes about the user as he or she flourishes it to create the right impression in, say, Poundland.