Let’s talk about Morrison’s, apostrophe s. “Just because they can’t punctuate properly, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t,” maintains Karoline (with a K). She’s been on one of her writing quality standards drives, demanding to see “every word that leaves the building before it does” (a diktat that prompted some words to leave the building very quickly thereafter without being shared).

Anyhow, illiteracy aside, the surefire marketing touch that has delivered so much recent commercial success to the Bradford-based behemoth has clearly not deserted it. Yes, Ant & Dec are staying on as the (interchangeable) face of the brand. When we pitched for the business, we hinted the Geordie funsters may be more associated with Iceland after I’m a Minor Celebrity. It was clearly this stance, not the document we tabled with the apostrophes in all the right places, that lost us the business.

After pitches like that I drink to forget. Still, the news caffeine is good for the memory explains the gradual restoration of recall, usually around 10.30 the next morning. Extrapolating my partially-remembered behaviour, I can see why Naked Wines saw sales up by 48% last year.

One campaign is going our way, however. I can exclusively reveal our secret role in supporting the anti-sugar nutters who’ve leapt from the woodwork with opportunistic zeal. Funded by a covert soft drinks committee, we’re pumping out the ‘cut sugar by switching fizzy drinks’ message. Self-defeating? No. All those extra consumers choosing cheap-to-make sugar-free variants mean big profits. Win-win, unless for some unproven and probably left-wing reason, you object to artificial sweeteners. As if anyone would.

Topics