The internet is abuzz over the imminent (straight to DVD) release of Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, a no-budget monster epic that's either a cunning parody of other no-budget monster epics or the most cack-handed stab at serious movie-making in history.

The labyrinthine 'plot' pits a shark big enough to eat the Golden Gate Bridge and attack a plane (in flight) against an octopus also of generous proportions. A giant one, if you will.

Sadly, Supersize vs Superskinny (Tuesdays, E4) failed to deliver the same thrills, unwisely ignoring the old rugby adage that a good big'un always beats a good littl'un.

Rather than facing off in a futuristic arena with tridents and wire nets, its contestants were locked in a 'feeding clinic' on a five-day nosh-swap to highlight the health issues caused by their contrasting eating regimes.

There was something creepily fetishistic about juxtaposing the physical extremes so closely and far less funny than when England brings on Airfix-limbed beanpole Peter Crouch and microscopic winger Shaun Wright-Phillips at the same time.

"Unravelling their obsessive relationships with food" were two nurses: the elfin, six-stone Gillian, with "the body of a child"; and 25-stone Philippa, cruelly described as "the heavy artillery".

Consuming just 350 calories a day, Gillian still had the carbonated footprint of an elephant drowned in Fanta, glugging back litres of Diet Coke daily. A calcium deficiency meant her otherwise youthful frame had the hips of a 60-year old and not Mick Jagger's. Meanwhile, Philippa's diet-related respiratory problems had not stopped her bagging a fella 20 years her junior.

The show's mournful tone was lightened by its shock conclusion that there might be a balance to be struck between eating nothing and eating everything, although if medical staff can't chow healthily, what hope for the rest of us?

It's unclear why food is such a ready battleground for stunts like this you'd struggle to convince most straight blokes to have a crack at being actively gay for a week, say.

Or maybe not bring on Junkie vs Priest, Hippie vs Oil Baron and Somali Child Soldier vs Spoilt Sloane Tw**. Chuck in a squid a mile long as ref and you're on to a winner.