PR’s ability to operate outside the tiresome strictures of EU health claims regulation lends a certain freedom to our campaigning. As long as we only tell journalists (rather than consumers) that brand X cures disease Y, we’re in the clear. The fact that they then go on to write or broadcast this nonsense is, happily, up to them.

It means we can make all sorts of outlandish claims - pomegranate juice cures impotence lard (eaten, that is) will banish piles - confident that they’ll appear in the Express or the Mail a few days later.

So we at P&F looked on in awe this week as the ‘revelation’ that Marmite manages MRSA swept the media. Ignoring the fact that anything which is 106% salt could suck the life out of even a superbug, this is a coup for volume sales of the disgusting brown byproduct. From now on every, but every, hospital patient will only agree to enter a ward if they are slathered with the stuff. Imagine the stench. And the toast you’d need to mop it all up.

Karoline (with a K) mentions this coup in a new weekly ‘strategy’ briefing sheet she’s sending out to clients and other gullibles. But “don’t mention the rain” is the main piece of sage advice, on the basis that we’ve all forgotten that it was a bit drizzly in July and the last thing we want is brands reminding us of it now.

This falls on deaf ears (all that drumming, probably) at The Co-op, which insists its stalling sales are weather or economy induced. Whereas we all know that sales are down because the nation has wearied of the ineffably smug tones of failed actor John Hannah (well he’s not doing those ads by choice, is he?) chanting “gud with fud”.