Ms Frexit: an idiot's guide to the possibilities of Brexit

Darlings, I’m a frightful tease and must confess I have been known to take an occasional pop at dear old Boris Johnson.

But let’s face it, no one rips the you-know-what out of BoJo better than BoJo himself, and I can’t help feeling a little sorry for him now that he has been caught red-handed doing roughly the same thing to some horrid little Tory bimbette as his Brexit plans would do to the country.

Perhaps that’s a touch unfair. After all, there’s no evidence BoJo and his dwindling band of supporters have any plans whatsoever. So, once again, Frexit rides to the rescue with an idiot’s guide to the many attractive options offered by Brexit. I’m sure you’ll find it useful.

No Deal Brexit: An instant return to 1973, with the reintroduction of 9% inflation, Fine Fare and compulsory rickets. We can buy branded John Player Specials duty-free, subject to confiscation during a strip-search at Benidorm airport.

Hard Brexit: As above, but Jean-Claude Juncker concedes to allow us to buy luxuries such as food, clothing and electrical power from our principal trading partner, albeit with a 50% markup.

Chequers: That isn’t going to happen. Move on, please.

Brexit in Name Only: Theresa May calls in brand experts to take ‘membership of the EU’ and redesignate it ‘Brexit’, albeit with all the rules made by tiny evil gnomes living underground in Strasbourg.

Kick the Can Brexit: This is the one that will happen. The balance of stupidity between Tory in-fighting and the inability of Corbyn’s ‘opposition’ to tie its own shoelaces results in nothing happening at all. Everyone claims victory, and we pay £40bn for the privilege.