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I’m back! Bravely defying the laws of grammar, not to mention the Department for Education’s edict banning exclamation marks, I’ve launched a new discounter chain called Guess How Much! Or GHM! for short!

Seizing on this exciting news, retail pundits were quick to make the link between my return and the latest outing for Ian Fleming’s super-spy. But Daniel Craig, playacting in the mundane and tawdry world of international espionage, is a pale shadow of my good self, as I set up yet another chain of glamorous 10,000 sq ft discounters in exotic locations like Bootle and Chatham.

There are some likenesses, I suppose. Obviously we’re both pretty easy on the eye, though Craig does not boast the timeless appeal of my ginger-tinged stubble and flowing locks. But the main similarity would have to be the way we ruthlessly exterminate the competition - 007 with his Walther PPK and I with my fixation on great prices and limited ranges of commoditised white-label ambient stodge!

In fact, we’re revolutionising the entire discounter concept, substituting the outmoded ‘food with some non-food’ model for a ‘non-food with some non-food’ approach, offering everything a shopper would want, while skilfully removing all fresh and frozen lines.

Like international hit-men we’ll be targeting customers through our Busy Mum Patronisation Unit, going so far as to completely exclude females who have not squeezed a sprog out and banning males altogether. A questionnaire will eliminate those mothers who are not, in fact, all that busy. Ruthless? Perhaps. But I have scores to settle. And there’s a golden bullet here with the initials ‘AC’ on it.

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