My Week… by Jeremy Corbyn (as told to Bill Tush)

Those trembling members of the bourgeois media elite surprised I should choose this organ for my first major policy exposition since the Great September Revolution would do well to remember I do not abide by convention. I gave my very first broadcast interview to CBeebies, and my brilliant strategic targeting continues through this column.

Brothers and sisters oppressed by the reactionary lapdogs of Bracknell, the alien intruders of Mülheim an der Ruhr or the Taconite incompetents of the GCA have a right to see my vision for the democratic distribution of the fruits of production in our future socialist Eldorado - no, not the discounter fajita brand, I’m talking about the Socialist Republic of England.

Like my front bench, it’s simple. According to Marx’s theory of alienation, the proletariat of Budgens have become estranged from their species-essence through social stratification imposed by the grocery barons. Basics = the workers, by Sainsbury’s = the petit bourgeoisie and Finest = the first to the wall. Got that?

So this requires nationalising everything so our corrupt grocery industry can be restored to the efficiency levels of, say, British Rail or the National Coal Board in the 1970s, that glorious heyday of British social and economic wellbeing. As a result, we will be abolishing the retail oligarchy and welcoming back Fine Fare, Mac Fisheries and Woolco, along with TUC biscuits (especially for sister Frances O’Grady), Watney’s Party Fours and delicious Mackintosh’s Week-End, all under state control.

If we can’t do that, we’ll just nationalise all profits. Any questions to brother McDonnell. Just remember to say goodbye to the family first.