My Week… by Rowan Gormley (as told to Bill Tush)

These store managers have looked away… to the future, to the horizon. Never their minds on where they were. Hmm! What they were doing. Hmph. Adventure. Heh. Excitement. Heh. A Jedi craves not these things.

And so I’ve launched Project Jedi, my new masterplan to transform the less than Majestic sales force from witless blaster-fodder into plonk-flogging ninja knights. As I quipped: may the Fourcas Médoc 2004 be with you.

Sadly, I cannot lay the blame entirely at their door. Stock Exchange transparency rules also oblige me to highlight a collapse in sales of Darth Maul-bec.

Ha! That’s my old Afrikaaner sense of humour coming out again, as my former head buyer Justin Apthorp discovered when I dispatched him to deep space (ie a non-executive role on the board) where no one can hear you scream.

Now, some Gungan hack pointed out that the founder of Naked Wines (yours truly) is being asked to turn around a company whose bottom line was halved by the acquisition of, erm, Naked Wines. But they don’t do irony in space, and in any case I have a trick or two up my sleeve.

You may recall my Naked Angels scheme, in which punters cough up in advance for the illusory satisfaction of funding small wine growers in lush French hills while most of the plonk they actually buy is the by-product of some boggy swamp on the dark side of an industrial estate.

So now I’m offering you the chance to put your life savings into His Majesty’s New Clothes, a start-up artisanal vineyard set up by some distant cousins of Jabba the Hutt. Bring your light saber and last one in’s a womp-rat.