Wiatrose King's Cross store

Unlike some competitors I could mention (were I not prevented from so doing by my friends from that law firm), Pat’s Mart puts the safety of its customers first. Consequently I have hand-crayoned a note for the door of the shop containing clear guidance regarding the fipronil contamination, developed in close collaboration with leading medical authorities. Well, with my egg delivery van man, who claims to have some kind of first aid badge.

It is extremely dangerous to overdose on fipronil, which is why I advise my customers to limit their egg consumption to between 2,000 and 2,500 per day - the level at which the suspected concentrations of this pesticide might, in delicate individuals, potentially cause a tiny bit of upset for up to five minutes. Although in reality you’d only notice the bloatedness, attendant odours and a lifelong aversion to omelettes.

I’ve also advised customers to stick to a tabloid-free diet, since the concentrations of scare stories have reached catastrophic levels and consumption of even one page of the Daily Mail might have unpleasant side-effects including chronic intolerance (Rees-Mogg syndrome).

I don’t sell a lot of eggs, to be honest. The only time there’s really a call for them is when Mr Johnson has been temporarily allowed back from one of his global offence-giving trips - I assume the gangs of tattooed young people who stock up on the aerodynamic barn-laid beauties are simply looking to bake Boris a welcome home cake.

But I won’t have anyone getting contaminated food from me. So whenever anything like this comes round I fetch a syringe from the medicine cabinet and inject a good dose of disinfectant into each egg. Better to be safe than sorry.

Pat Smart

Exploits of a Westminster c-store owner