Mike Coupe

Traditionally I’ve eased my inflationary pressures with half a tube of Bisodol (£2.99/100 tabs) or a long sit down in the contemplation chamber with a copy of The People’s Friend (£1.20), but according to Mr Coupe from Sainsbury’s we’re all going to have to take it a lot more seriously, what with the world ending and everything.

I can’t complain - with my life savings and my pension I think I can keep paying the bills on this place for another year or two, although I may have to find some other use for it.

This nice young chap from the bank called me up the other day to ask me about my business model. According to him, selling things for less than you paid for them isn’t sustainable in the long run, although I do have to confess that he lost me in all the technicalities somewhere along the line.

But it’s not me you should feel sorry for - it’s Mr Coupe. Well, according to Mr Coupe in any case. They were down to their last £277m in profits for half a year or so, and so it’s time for all the suppliers to do their bit and make sure the food industry isn’t making any money, either. Only then can we really claim that Brexit has been a success for Britain.

Again, I think I may have got a little confused about his train of thought. It’s so hard to keep up. All of my regulars have been in to send congratulations cards to America, although I’m not sure why.

It can’t be for Mr Trump - I know for a fact that they all think he’s - what did Mr Johnson say? Stupefyingly ignorant? Something like that.

Anyway, see you next Tuesday. As I like to say to Mr Johnson.