Sainsbury's hit hardest by shock election result as Tesco to benefit

Much as I love dear old Westminster Village, it probably is about time we shared power a little more fairly, so it’s good to see that most of the important decisions will now be taken in Belfast. After all, politicians in Northern Ireland have acquired a reputation for collaboration and mutual respect over the years, and this is just the kind of oil (Mazola £1.95/one litre) we need on these troubled waters (Highland Spring £1.99/1.5 litres).

Anyway, I’m sure Mrs May and Mrs Foster will get on famously, just as long as the PM agrees to an end to Sunday trading and the abolition of VAT on bowler hats. And of course we all welcome Mr Gove back to Defra. After all, it’s important in a department responsible for feeding the nation that we have a leader with such humility and respect for expertise. I’ve also heard he has nearly forgiven Mrs May for firing him within milliseconds of getting into no 10 last year.

The only little cloud in what is otherwise a bright blue sky is that no one appears to have told Mr Corbyn or his crèche that he didn’t actually win the election. I suppose that getting pipped by only 60 seats or so would get you into power in most socialist regimes. I was going to have a word the next time he dropped by for his Morning Star, Werther’s Original and Old Holborn but on reflection it might be better just to humour him. After all, writing a five-year economic plan will require a lot of notebooks and crayons.

And while we’re in celebratory mood, congratulations to that nice Mr Rowe on his new target of halving food waste by 2025. That’s another important KPI for M&S, alongside maintaining the CEO’s salary. Now all he has to worry about is sales and profits.

Pat Smart

Exploits of a Westminster c-store owner