There’s nothing like a great government-sponsored gravy train to make onlookers jealous. Which must be why some commentators have criticised the Portas Pointless Pilot Project for wasting money. I beg to differ. £1,600 to get a junior account executive dressed up as a giant foam rubber Peppa Pig is worth every penny, even if she does come back afterwards disoriented, sweaty and crying. And £1,000 on postage is a snip. OK, so people don’t actually use letters any more, but that doesn’t stop an agency being creative with the ops costs. We’re still charging clients for the Telex service here at P&F.

Despite all this worthwhile investment and the occasional visit by the fearsome fetish-booted Ms P herself, high street shopping is at a record low. I am told most of Middlesbrough is boarded up, which prompted Karoline (with a K) to pitch her ‘Welcome to the Wilderness’ idea. A sort of post-apocalypse high street theme park, except with a Morrisons M local where Blockbuster used to be. The orange-bonced goddess of regeneration was not, apparently, amused.

And neither was I by Carlsberg Citrus, a new low-alcohol lime-flavoured beer for people who don’t like beer or alcohol. I thought marketing director David Scott was being disarmingly honest when he described it as “depressing and appalling”, but I still had my earplugs in from the Portas bollocking and he actually said “refreshing and appealing”. I confidently predict it will fail miserably. Unlike the proposed fizzy drinks tax which, if implemented intelligently (ie in England only), will have the effect of keeping the Irn Bru swilling hordes from Scotland (and my latest ex, itchy sporran and all) at home. Cheers.