dave lewis

I don’t usually use strong language but there really are a lot of rotters out there, aren’t there? Terrorists, not retailers, you understand. Not good for business either.

I’m just thankful I don’t have Mr Lewis’s job. Of course he is by no means connected with the rotter fraternity, but he’s certainly had to carry the can (Heinz 4x415g, £2.95) this week, after Disappeared Mr Clarke miscounted quite a lot of Tesco’s profits a little while back.

I do feel sorry for Mr Lewis. He has quite a lot on his mind at the moment. For example, they had a chap on 5 Live this morning (I listen in when I’ve had enough of the news) who was a bit grumpy over the price Mr Lewis is paying for all of Mr Wilson’s corner stores.

Well, whoever Schroder is he should keep his mouth shut. If Mr Lewis wants to pay 23 times next year’s profits then that’s up to him and those nosey shareholders should mind their own business. Besides, you could pay 23 times Pat’s Mart’s profits for the next 10 years and still get change out of a fiver. So I can’t imagine Budgens is going to be all that dear, can it?

Anyway, back to Mr Lewis’s £129m fine. It sounds a lot, but then someone pointed out it was less than half the imaginary pennies Mr Clarke found behind the sofa cushions before he disappeared. Well, in my book what’s sauce (Bisto 170g, £1.50) for the goose (not stocked) is sauce for the gander and so Westminster City Council can expect a slight 50% reduction when I pay the completely disproportionate £100 fine they whacked on me for those slightly over-mature Scottish seafood salads. Almost all my customers are now out of hospital, and anyway, how was I to know Salmonella wasn’t a brand name?