Very disappointed not to make it into leaked diplomatic dispatches following my work on the 'Leading British Food Out Of The Recession' export roadshow with Prince Andrew.

"Look at the double dips on that" was one of his more printable remarks, as I introduced him to the desperate throng. He tried to cheer us up with some robust strategic advice.

"Forget the bogtrotters, they're never going to recover; aim your muffins (or whatever filth it is you have to sell) at the chinkies." I turned down the offer of a private briefing and hurried back to the office for the start of Anger Awareness Week on Wednesday.

Suffice to say, I was very quickly aware of Karoline (with a K)'s anger that I hadn't "followed through" and "secured the business" for the long term.

Unlike Miranda, whose rekindled friendship with 'Big Hands' Lansley puts Puff & Fluff in the box seat for the latest "pull yourselves together you unhealthy oiks" campaign, as he describes it. Unpromisingly, we have Asda lined up to distribute two million 'gym and swim' vouchers. Given that at least half of that proposition involves water, I can't see it being a huge success with Asda's great unwashed.

The whole thing is made even more depressing by the prospect of a Great Swapathon in its foyers. Scabs? Drugs? Bodily fluids? Diseases?

At the other end of the water table there is much celeb despair at the end of the Fiji brand. No more designer droplets for the waterati apparently. Even at £2+ a bottle there's no longer enough margin to pay off the head of the Fijian junta.

Incidentally, he makes the whole story worthwhile by being called Frank Bananarama. But even as I hum "Robert De Niro's Waiting", Karoline snaps. "He'd be waiting all night for you, wouldn't he?" she barks, and stalks off into the evening snow.

More from this column