Our plans to drum up a bit of business from food paranoia have at last come to fruition.
We've been part of secret PR consortium SCARE (Stoking Concern About Rare Events) for ages, responsible for funding some research by serious Swiss white coats into apparently harmless aspects of the food industry.
We hit paydirt at last in the form of mineral oil-rich recycled cereal boxes and the revelation that eating the carton is no longer better for you than what's inside!
We sent our crisis credentials to every UK cereal business a week before the story broke and so far three have signed us up for some intensive issues management.
Crisis seems to involve a lot of running about and, more importantly, double time, which means £500 an hour for Karoline (with a K) and a couple of magnums of Champagne in the boardroom for we more humble workers.
It's all testament to the power of a surprise packaging carcinogen and a brilliantly executed exploitation campaign! Shame our clients never get this sort of strategic sophistication lavished on them.
Tried to buy the champers at Oddbins, but it had closed down. Only 89 stores left, apparently, where once there were 250 and a classic example of how you can spoil vast amounts of accumulated goodwill simply by being too French. After all, just look at France!
As you may have noticed (like the French), all PR girls smoke (though most of them deny it), which means the impending unbranded packaging is a real problem. What's the use of ostentatiously flashing your Balkan Sobranies if no-one can tell what they are?
Mr P's store near the P&F office is decidedly un-French and is hanging on grimly. It only seems to stock fags (counterfeit 'Marbloros') and cereals. I'm beginning to understand why it's called a c-store.
More from this column
We've been part of secret PR consortium SCARE (Stoking Concern About Rare Events) for ages, responsible for funding some research by serious Swiss white coats into apparently harmless aspects of the food industry.
We hit paydirt at last in the form of mineral oil-rich recycled cereal boxes and the revelation that eating the carton is no longer better for you than what's inside!
We sent our crisis credentials to every UK cereal business a week before the story broke and so far three have signed us up for some intensive issues management.
Crisis seems to involve a lot of running about and, more importantly, double time, which means £500 an hour for Karoline (with a K) and a couple of magnums of Champagne in the boardroom for we more humble workers.
It's all testament to the power of a surprise packaging carcinogen and a brilliantly executed exploitation campaign! Shame our clients never get this sort of strategic sophistication lavished on them.
Tried to buy the champers at Oddbins, but it had closed down. Only 89 stores left, apparently, where once there were 250 and a classic example of how you can spoil vast amounts of accumulated goodwill simply by being too French. After all, just look at France!
As you may have noticed (like the French), all PR girls smoke (though most of them deny it), which means the impending unbranded packaging is a real problem. What's the use of ostentatiously flashing your Balkan Sobranies if no-one can tell what they are?
Mr P's store near the P&F office is decidedly un-French and is hanging on grimly. It only seems to stock fags (counterfeit 'Marbloros') and cereals. I'm beginning to understand why it's called a c-store.
More from this column
![ASDA_LUX_XMAS_MINCE_PIES_VIS_01[61][86]](https://dmrqkbkq8el9i.cloudfront.net/Pictures/380x253/0/1/0/345010_asda_lux_xmas_mince_pies_vis_016186_413913.jpg)
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