aldi

Regular consumers of my fag pack jottings will be aware I am nothing if not a strategist - which, as I have learned over the years, means blindly copying the competition and keeping my fingers crossed that it’s my turn next (well, it worked for Mr Potts).

Even as a humble retailer of canned offal and blister-packed dangerous toys to the lawmakers of this land, I like to keep an eye on the news, since if nothing else bigoted and/or ill-informed observations about current events go down quite well among my client base. In fact, it seems to be stock in trade.

So I was excited to see the news that Aldi is now the fifth-largest UK grocer, relegating Mr Pennycook’s Corner Emporia to sixth position. No wonder he’s leaving. In my own small way I can’t help feeling that the rise of a fine British company like Aldi will help offset our inexorable slide down the league table of global economies. As I quipped to Mr Hammond.

I’ve been studying the discounter model quite carefully. I do admire the way they have identified that British consumers aren’t really all that interested in what they’re buying, as long as someone tells them it’s like Waitrose but cheaper.

Well, if you can’t beat them, join them, I say. Purely on a trial basis I suggest you pop into the yurt that even now Pavlina is constructing on Parliament Square. Those Bulgarians are very industrious when they’re not actively working to bring about the demise of the NHS and so I’m sure my new fascia, which I’m nattily calling Aldski, will be a huge success.

Some may remark that the offer is merely Aldi stuff being sold at Waitrose prices. Others may see it as progress.