The existence of a cheese brand called Tickler had passed me by until this week, but it’s now on the radar as we’ve teamed up with an experiential agency (sampling, to you and me) to devise a promotion that will “disrupt consumer behaviours” and “force reappraisal of the cheese-eating occasion”. We’re proposing dispensing samples from vending machines in gents’ toilets at pubs and clubs, which should achieve both of those objectives as well as confusing less alert punters looking for “something for the weekend”. Oddly, the client thinks we’re off-message and exploiting the cheese/condom crossover will expose the brand to ridicule. Yes, but it is called Tickler, we point out, still sniggering.

Less amusing, perhaps, are the assaults on nature triggered by our multiple retailers. As well as the killer spiders Sainsbury’s has unleashed in the UK via its bananas, there is the extinction of California’s bees, caused by Fresh & Easy. Apparently, like most Californians, these bees were allergic to the Tesco venture and thus fled the state, forcing the collapse of the unpollinated almond crop. Almond milk wars have broken out and Karoline (with a K) is leading the attack, mounted astride a giant bee. As she charges, almond milk spurting from her undercarriage… Oh, no, hang on, this is a bad dream. That’s what a few mouthfuls of Tickler will do for a girl just before bedtime.

Unable to sleep, I flick idly through last week’s copy of The Grocer and discover temporary tongue tattoos are on their way to the UK. This gives word of mouth a whole new meaning. The marketing possibilities are endless for everything from, well, cheese to condoms really.

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