Shoppers at the Tesco supermarket in Callander Road, Falkirk, were evacuated only to witness the store being sealed off by squads of soldiers and police last Saturday afternoon. They had been called in to look at a suspicious package left in the store's car park. Three hours later they decided to blow up the package only to discover it was full of ­ you've guessed it ­ porno mags. A police source is reported as saying: "It's thought that some man had left the case there to get rid of it. He has not come forward and we don't expect him to." Indeed. I wonder if any of the hundreds of motorists whose cars were stranded saw the funny side? And do you think they were whistling the hit tune recently re-recorded by Tom Jones? Funnily enough the incident was not released to the nation ­ unlike the daft info sent out by spin doctors promoting the arrival of the Tentation variety of apple from the Loire Valley in France. Amid all the guff about the apple having "cheeks like a beautiful woman" was a claim that the variety was being stocked exclusively by Tesco. Oops. Soon afterwards I got another release admitting that Tesco was not selling the apple exclusively but was, in fact, the first supermarket to sell it in "commercial volumes". Can't vouch for the beautiful women, but I have no doubt there were a few red cheeks in Cheshunt after that. {{COUNTERPOINT }}

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