make up

Mrs May was looking awfully stern when she marched into the store on Monday. She was going to squat on the steps of Another Place and teach the “vermin in ermine” a lesson in intimidation, she said, but she’d quite forgotten where she’d left her make-up bag.

Well, I’m a shopkeeper and not a miracle worker so I don’t keep a great deal on my health and beauty mod beyond politicians’ favourites such as Berocca (£4.95), Vaseline (£1.75) and, for my SNP customers, Buckfast Tonic Wine (£7.95). But as luck would have it I’m having some plastering done in the little room so I was able to spare a little Thistle One-Coat (£8 for 7.5kg, or £50 to you Mrs May).

Mixed with just a little Heinz Ketchup (£3.50 now that the link save with Persil has fallen through) it did make a passable substitute for Mrs May’s preferred foundation and I have to say she looked quite splendid on telly, right up until the moment she tried to smile at one of Mr Lawson’s more unhinged remarks.

The Lords are used to people making sudden exits (Tena products do have their capacity limits) but even they were shocked as the PM’s plasterwork began to crack. She hitched up her skirts and fled to the maintenance department, where rumour has it a large proportion of the £6bn House Restoration Fund is being repurposed for emergency cosmetic removal.

I did feel a little guilty, but a quick glance at next year’s business rates assessment put that to rights. Happily on that front, the most important legislative body in the UK (The Daily Mail) has now decided it wants change, so I expect Mr Hammond to sort that out quick smart before the Mail reveals where Mrs May left her make-up bag.