This week I have been keeping a low profile, with the agm and all. To tell you the truth, this is what I have been doing for a year or so, what with the inclement weather and all those reporters (I think they’re reporters) rustling in the bushes around my house. Houses.

It’s a bit limiting but I’m making the most of my time by writing a critical appraisal of the life and work of “Sir” Terry Leahy. On a B&M toilet roll!

Yes, we Scousers are known for our acerbic sense of humour and also for our passion as collectors of beautiful things, which in my case I actually own. I don’t get out in my Ferraris much these days though, seems a bit ostentatious what with, well, you know.

Apparently there’s still a bit of a fuss going on in Cheshunt after some people I never even met mislaid some money. £263m, was it? Hardly surprising if you ask me, that office was a bloody tip even after I spent millions renovating the board floor. No wonder they’re all moving to Welwyn.

Maybe the removal men will locate some of the dough Dave Lewis has managed to lose in the few short months since I offered him the opportunity to take over early. Maybe I was a bit distracted when the £263m went missing, but Dave’s £6.3bn looks like world-class absent-mindedness, I’d say!

Don’t worry, I’m not bitter. All my friends from the old days - Andy, Dave, Laurie, Tim, everyone - have promised to repay my various kindnesses to them just as soon as they get a formal opportunity.

And the wife’s taken a job at the local Tesco Express to tide us over while we’re trying to locate my £10m leaving gift. Must be around here somewhere.