Pat reveals his economic plan for 'the bigger pound'

Although I’ve been running a shop for nigh on 40 years (first in Padstow, then Ballymena, Dumfries, Reykjavik, Clacton and now Westminster near London) I don’t know much about economics.

I know there’s inflation and deflation, but there’s nothing unusual about that - my dearly departed Billy was something of an expert, particularly after one of his favourite Vesta Tikka Masalas. The angels carried him away in the conflagration after he tried to light a roll-up in the throne room, but that’s another story.

I’m trying my best to understand how to keep my prices just the right side of outrageous now we have all voted to make everything more expensive for the good of hard-working families, whatever they are. Apparently the pound is now smaller, which makes all of the exotic foods I buy from other countries (Ginsters pasties, Brains bitter, Tunnock’s teacakes and the like) more expensive because they are made in Euroland, which is now bigger. I think that’s right.

There was a chap on telly from the Bank of England, who announced that there would also be a lot less interest. I must say that’s difficult to imagine - I haven’t got much at all and I only really watch the news if I switch on a bit early for Emmerdale. Anyway, he said he would liquidate the economy - good news if you like smoothies.

I also read somewhere that the boffins had done some research and found that Aldi was quite a lot cheaper than Waitrose. Well I never. It must be because of all those big euros.

And then it struck me. We need a bigger pound! Which is why from today everything in Pat’s Mart will be priced in good old £sd. Those notes were huge. And Mr Davis said he liked the idea.