Here's a winning concept for you: Instant Restaurant, a trendy London diner serving only cup soups and powdered egg. You're welcome.
(If feeling generous, send a share of the profits to the Food Hacks Benevolent Fund, c/o Grocer Towers.)
The name itself has been taken, squandered on yet another Come Dine With Me knock-off, a sub-genre that's spawning bastard offspring faster than that thing about sparkly vampires who pout and sulk instead of having sex and biting people.
For Instant Restaurant (BBC Two, Tuesday, 2.15pm) the Beeb followed its usual recipe for instant afternoon presenter: just add Sawalha. In this case it was case Nadia, the one that wasn't in Absolutely Fabulous. She did her best to sound keen as two contestants cooked dinner for a bunch of grumpy ingrates hauled in off the streets.
Fillet-faced Falklands vet John recreated an Army mess in his kitchen. Oddly for a military man, he gave short shrift to the element of surprise, deploying attritional tactics straight from Field Marshall Haig's battle manual: if the black pudding and ginger leeks don't work for the starter, perhaps they will for the main course. They didn't. And his salmon suffered friendly-fire collateral damage when his 'helper' poured away the orange sauce.
Kira fared no better, claiming she was two hours behind schedule after just two hours in the kitchen. She played up her Caribbean heritage with curried goat and yam salad, but had guests moaning about her home's décor and the lack of "party atmosphere", as if that was a design flaw of the house rather than their dismal personalities.
As a gimmick, guests coughed up what they felt the food was worth, with the two cooks aiming to make a profit. In a lesson to FDs everywhere, Kira spent lots and lost money. John spent next to nothing and profited handsomely. Considering the guests' attitude, effectively paraphrasing the Woody Allen gag about how "the food was awful and such tiny portions", it's a miracle they paid anything at all.
Both contestants were surely tempted to invite their guests back for the Lucrezia Borgia treatment. How does 'Instant Restaurant: Sudden Death' grab you?
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(If feeling generous, send a share of the profits to the Food Hacks Benevolent Fund, c/o Grocer Towers.)
The name itself has been taken, squandered on yet another Come Dine With Me knock-off, a sub-genre that's spawning bastard offspring faster than that thing about sparkly vampires who pout and sulk instead of having sex and biting people.
For Instant Restaurant (BBC Two, Tuesday, 2.15pm) the Beeb followed its usual recipe for instant afternoon presenter: just add Sawalha. In this case it was case Nadia, the one that wasn't in Absolutely Fabulous. She did her best to sound keen as two contestants cooked dinner for a bunch of grumpy ingrates hauled in off the streets.
Fillet-faced Falklands vet John recreated an Army mess in his kitchen. Oddly for a military man, he gave short shrift to the element of surprise, deploying attritional tactics straight from Field Marshall Haig's battle manual: if the black pudding and ginger leeks don't work for the starter, perhaps they will for the main course. They didn't. And his salmon suffered friendly-fire collateral damage when his 'helper' poured away the orange sauce.
Kira fared no better, claiming she was two hours behind schedule after just two hours in the kitchen. She played up her Caribbean heritage with curried goat and yam salad, but had guests moaning about her home's décor and the lack of "party atmosphere", as if that was a design flaw of the house rather than their dismal personalities.
As a gimmick, guests coughed up what they felt the food was worth, with the two cooks aiming to make a profit. In a lesson to FDs everywhere, Kira spent lots and lost money. John spent next to nothing and profited handsomely. Considering the guests' attitude, effectively paraphrasing the Woody Allen gag about how "the food was awful and such tiny portions", it's a miracle they paid anything at all.
Both contestants were surely tempted to invite their guests back for the Lucrezia Borgia treatment. How does 'Instant Restaurant: Sudden Death' grab you?
More from this column
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