Another day, another bloody awards ceremony, and I take my seat in the bar to await my fellow penguins and the crinoline crew. A bottle-and-a-half of Dom Perignon later it occurred to me that what the industry needs is a new award - the Pumsies - designed to celebrate all that is glamorous about flogging doughnuts and athlete's foot powder to the thankless millions. So here are my scribbled suggestions: The Andrew Simms Award for Hypocrisy: King Justin, for slagging off his rivals' green packages as PR spin while in the same article puffing his own initiative. The Uncle Sam Award for Hubris: Tesco Tel and the Cheshunt Comintern for thinking they can set up the trestle table next to a Wal-Mart aircraft hangar in California and, like, they might not notice, man. The Wembley Stadium Award for Missed Deadlines: Peter Freeman, chairman of the Commission for the Long Grass. Who knows what fearsome sanctions his report will contain? Who cares? We'll all be long gone. The Dome Award for Worst PR Initiative: Asda, for its decision to scrap two "special" wheelie bins for packaging after just two weeks. Turned out its customers weren't thick after all. The Eurostar Award for Tunnel Vision: Jointly to "Shopping the Supermarkets", "Dispatches", "Whistleblowers" and their ilk. Someone ought to tell the producers there are wars out there. And drug barons and child prostitution. Not just supermarkets. The Stiffing the Stingy Supermarkets Award: Jointly and equally to The Grocer, Retail Week, Checkout and every other event organiser for successfully and repeatedly conning £300-a-head from fish buyers and planogram consultants so that they can bore each other shitless and get progressively bladdered at these glittering affairs.

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